I've become really frustrated and disillusioned over having an internet presence in general and social media in particular. I feel like this morning I had an epiphany. Basically, this isn't me and it isn't what I want to BE me.
My blog has become a mostly unenjoyable responsibility for the past year or more. I don't regularly update and yet I find that I'm constantly thinking about things I "should" blog about. It's crazy to literally THINK in blog posts, but that's where I am. And what's even more crazy is that what repels me about blogging and social media is the very thing that's almost addictive to me. So often, I feel like I'm the writer of my own "Truman Show", except that I KNOW
I'm sick of myself taking pictures of the most menial things so that I can post them on Instagram. I'm tired of needing feedback and comments to feel good about something that I do or write. I'm embarrassed that I have gotten sucked into a need, or at the very least, a definite want of ego stroking. I remember years ago when I got dressed and LOVED it and didn't give a thought to how it would photograph. I remember doing things and enjoying things without taking a picture or giving commentary. I remember when I just lived my life. When I wasn't attached to the computer. When I wasn't a perpetual voyeur.
The computer has become so much of my daily routine. Checking my blog. My blog roll. My twitter. My Instagram. Bottom line is......the problem is me. This online presence is just NOT the person I want to be. Others seem to be able to balance it all and take it in stride. I'm not one of them. I want to just enjoy my life and my family. I want to learn some new things for the sake of learning them, not so I can post, tweet or Instagram them. I want to maybe learn to knit. Read more. Take more walks. Go do things with friends more. Maybe volunteer at a retirement home. I want to write. I used to really enjoy writing, but along the way, I've gotten so self conscious. I know me. I'm at my best the fewer voices I have in my head.
So, I'm thinking it's time to step away from blogging AND twitter and maybe Instagram at some point. Maybe I'll be back with another blog later. Never say never, right? But for now, I don't even want to think about that. I want to not NEED to be seen, to be heard, to be complimented, to be noticed.
No need to comment as I won't be checking back on here. But I did want to leave my email in case any of you want to write and keep in touch privately. Here it is: firstname.lastname@example.org
Love and hugs everyone!!